il et moi

The title says it all. Him and Me.

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1. Many Emotions

This is me.  Living the dream. Or not.

 

I lay on my double bed that was coated in soft inviting duvets and blankets my head lining my pillow. This could be called heaven. Not one bone in me wanted to move from the soft position that had finally accepted me into their soft embrace. The bliss was broken when the door handle moved down, turning to face the floor, creaking. Anyone could walk in now. I could tell from the footsteps that it was my mom, so I wasn’t that worried. However, what I wasn’t expecting her to announce to me something that would either make or break me. probably the latter.

 

Perching on the side of my bed not meeting my eyes I wondered what on earth was coming. Her mouth opened, yet no words came out. A guilty look flashed across her face and suddenly all that I was aware of were the words that Daniel was engaged. Immediately my attention was gained. My mouth hung open not waiting for the flies to enter but because Daniel was engaged. Daniel my supposed boyfriend for 11 months.

 

His tall figure, icy blue eyes that warmed his features considerably when he was doing or around things and people he loved. The smile that was enough to brighten even the darkest of all nights that brought my own smile to my mouth many times. His arms that were strong but his shoulders that were stronger and often let my weary head rest upon them, his open heart. Never once did I believe that he would be loving another even going as far as proposing to her. pain, hurt, rejection and devastation were all that I was feeling. My body was numb. In all my previous relationships never had I loved so fully been so committed. Tears that I hadn’t noticed falling were gliding down my ice-cold cheeks like skaters. I began to slowly unravel myself from the ball that my body had crawled into.

 

My mom still sat there offering comfort, but I didn’t want it at that moment. I just wanted to know why. Why me. my head spun it was like I was becoming Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Everything was strange, weird and in my eyes not fair. I felt like the smallest creature alive that anyone could trample over. I felt two arms slide around my waist and draw me close offering the strength that I now was in desperate need of. Never in my life had I felt so broken, along and weak. Was I not good enough? Was I only a toy as his now fiancé wasn’t enough? Was a prey that so easily fell for the predator. I thought that we were going places. That was very obviously now not true. Questions that I thought I was asking myself flew through my mouth like rapid gunfire and I was surprised that they didn’t shoot my mom down. Nope. She sat there offering comforting answers or just none at all. The only answer I could think of was that I wasn’t good enough or attractive enough or anything, I just wasn’t good enough for Daniel, the one who held my heart in the palm of his hand.

 

After about another hour of moping around I knew I had to begin to pull myself together. After crawling from the comfort zone of my bed I selected my favorite burgundy and navy dress before pulling the matching pullover my head and climbing into my tights I started my new journey without my loved one by my side. It was then that I realized I had no idea who his wife to be was. Two options floated around my head. I really hoped and even prayed that it wasn’t the cold-hearted, stony Amanda. I couldn’t stick it if it were. Or it was the little, pretty Louise who was one of my really good friends. I ran to the other side of the house where I knew that mom was sure to be. The words slipped out of my mouth. Waiting for the response nearly killed me. mom should know better than to keep me in suspense.

 

 “Am.” My heart dropped. It felt like the knife that had been inserted into my heart was being twisted, my captor enjoying the pain that was taking over my body. No. it couldn’t possibly be Amanda. I couldn’t face it. really. My options began running through my mind. I had unknowingly sunk to the floor. Mom once again saved me. it shouldn’t be like this I should be the one looking after her, she goes through more shit than me. my mind though this before sinking straight back to my current most important problem the one featuring my heart however broken.

 

Mom shook me gently. Her words washed over me, but I heard. “Honey listen to me. Its not Amanda. I was just saying that Amber put it on the family chat not that Amanda was engaged to Dan. It is Louise.” I managed to live through the rest of the day and thought that I may be able to face the rest of the world. I let my positive words to myself sink in to quickly. The next day we had about 20 friends around that we had arranged to have for a few weeks. I believed myself fine, I would just once again build up the strong wall around myself, pushing everything and everyone away from me. I felt safe in my cell that I had created for myself. Sinking into the seat into the lounge I immediately regretted the decision. The question got fired at me. what do I think about Daniel and Louise? I lied but passed it off. I was glad for them. Then I realized that indeed I was thankful that they had found each other, and that Louise would do Daniel more good than I could even have attempted.

 

I went to work as usual on Monday people still believed that I was the strong person that many people believe I was. A few days passed by and on the week anniversary that I found out about Dan and Louise a beautiful navy envelope was lying on the door mat, I picked it up as the gold handwriting screamed my name. upon opening it I noticed a dark flowed invitation that had gold writing that matched the envelope on it. there were no ways that this was happening, but yes it was. I was invited to their October wedding. They both wanted to see me on the day that may be the hardest for me to endure. What the hell do I do? After thinking deeply about it I decided that I would go. I spoke to his mom, it made me cry once again. She told me that neither her nor her husband were expecting the match, they considered me their daughter and had made this fact known. I managed to survive the following days until now. My reasons to smile are my struggling family who are just about keeping their heads above the water, I feel bad that I haven’t made their lives easier for them and my wonderful friends that I love talking to holding their words of wisdom or just friendship close to my heart. And yet that doesn’t stop me from reality invading my life.  

 

The wedding is in just 20 days today.

 

 

 

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Thank you for reading that. x

 

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