I thought you loved me

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1. The Whole Story

The year was 2018. At least, that's the year our story started. August. I was starting eighth grade. A thirteen year old that was determined to change herself. I was scared, because I had just moved to Lincoln, leaving behind my life long best friend and my other best friend. I had spent most of that summer hanging out with my friends and packing. My friends were all sad that I was leaving and they even tried to have a get together... But mom said it was too late for that. I cried. Most of the way to Lincoln. A month later I started school, by then most of our stuff was unpacked in our new small apartment. 

 

That first day of school was the first day of the rollercoaster called life. In Pierre, everything seemed like our own world. I was invincible. Nothing could break me. I was always known as a tough girl, the kind that would glare at you and you would back off fast. I never saw myself has pretty. My Life-Long Bestie was gorgeous though. And we were polar opposites. She was popular, knew how to make friends. I just talk and people either hate me or love me. 

 

A week after Eighth Grade started, well, that was the week I started to fall. I remember it clearly. After school, I rode the bus to my apartment not too far away. But something happened on that bus. I saw him. I don't know what it was about Logan that had me weak. But the second I laid eyes on him, I was hooked. He wasn't the prince charming handsome. Quite the opposite. He was funny, kind, tall, skinny. His hair was dark brown, almost black and messy all the time. He had these blue eyes that captured my heart instantly. 

 

On the same bus was Haylie. She was a girl in my first and fifth period classes, and would soon become one of the only people I trusted. I talked to her everyday, and we even started to write a book together. Turns out she was Logan's best friend. Through her I officially met Logan and Chris. They would became two very important people to me. Chris was like a brother to me, and I would only be able to see him as such. However, Logan and I had a connection. Call me crazy, but it was there. My heart raced every time he got close to me. Which was often because he got so close sometimes that I could practically smell him. I know it sounds weird. And maybe I really am crazy.

 

For months; Haylie, Logan, and Chris grew closer to me. We even had a routine after school to meet at Logan's locker before we walked out together. I had never been happier than I was whenever I was with them. I couldn't cry, or frown. The only option was to smile or laugh. However, the closer we all grew, the deeper my feeling were for Logan. It was never about his looks. It was always about his heart and the fact that I loved this boy.

 

I should have forced myself to stop loving him after he gave me a heart chocolate at the Valentine's day dance. But I couldn't help it. I hated Valentine's day. Yet, one small gift and time spent with mainly just him, being goofy with my friends, it only made me love him more. I was slowly becoming softer, my walls falling. School started to come to an end and I knew I would be leaving for Louisiana for four days. I wanted to get a picture with them. So mom took the photo. I hugged Haylie. Then Chris (though he didn't look comfortable because physical affection does that). And finally Logan. This wasn't the first time I had hugged him, but it felt different. He didn't hug me too tightly. His arms were around my waist, and I was pressed against him comfortably. 

 

It was June, I was already back from Louisiana and talking to my Best Friends again. Now, don't ask me how or who admitted it first, but that month, Logan and I told each other how we felt. Turns out he had liked me before we were even friends. We went on flirting and I said "I love you" first, though he said it back. Two weeks or so later though, he asked me to officialize our relationship. We were so happy. At some point we started holding hands. I had never felt this way. We cuddled on the couch at my place. We even laid on his roof and looked up at the starts, talking. 

 

I have a problem though. I fear love more than I fear death. I knew I loved him. But all at once, the fear settled in. I broke up with him. It broke me too. And it was only a few days into High School that I got him back. I texted him, and explained everything. He was supportive and told me that he was so happy to have me back. It was good again for about a month and a half. 

 

Then everything went wrong. I don't even know what it is that went wrong. But slowly we grew apart. I tried to talk to him more but he would shut me out. Then one day, he stopped talking to Haylie and I altogether. I spent the next two months worried sick about him. I mean, everything had been perfect, why should I expect what happened? 

 

I had gotten tired of waiting. I wanted to help. So I finally asked Chris if Logan had wanted to break up with me. He said "yes". But the rest of our conversation is what really broke me. Chris said that Logan thought the way and amount I talked was annoying. I had to try and go the rest of the bus ride without crying. And when I had got off at the last stop, I ran straight home. I opened the door, closed in, ran up the stairs of the new apartment. I didn't say hi to the caretaker of my brother, I just bolted to my room and sobbed. I was curled up with my stuffed seal, Selkie. I couldn't stop thinking about Logan. My heart broke that day. Broke is a lesser way to put it.

 

It was more like my heart shattered. Like glass. Too many small pieces to pick up. I was now the shell of a broken girl. 

 

January 6, 2020. That was the day I lost a part of my soul. Everything that happened after, that was all Hell. And yet, months later, and I still can't get Logan out of my head. 

 

Logan, I really thought you loved me.

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